Dads need support too

Five years ago marked the birth of James’ first child, Ted. It also marked a full mental breakdown and James being absent for the first four months of his baby’s life. 

In the last year, James has become a father again and is now actively campaigning to raise awareness of men’s mental health. It’s estimated that one in five men experience anxiety after becoming a father and within the first year one in 10 develop postnatal depression. The risk of depression continues after this time with a 68% increase in risk during the first five years of their child’s life. With men less likely to verbalise their anxiety than women and even less likely to seek support, James says dads need much better support to help them transition through this time.

His own experience of mental health decline had many factors, but his wife Hannah’s pregnancy and his transition into fatherhood was the trigger. He says: “It was all a build up. I was really trying to keep a lid on it because I remember so clearly thinking I have no right to feel the way I feel, and how dare I make this about me. I’m not the one who’s pregnant, growing a human, exhausted, with hormones all over the place whilst holding down a demanding job, so just sort yourself out because no one cares how you are. Everyone asks mums-to-be how they’re feeling all the time; often to the point of invasion and annoyance. But when they asked me, I told myself it was out of politeness rather than actual concern, so just nodded and hoped tomorrow would feel different. But the next day you feel worse. The next day you’re one day closer to failing as a father.”

James says he understood the added responsibilities of fatherhood all too well, and that these expectations were what became completely overwhelming. The thought of failing his family both emotionally and financially accelerated the feeling that he was falling apart. He’s now working to make sure that men aren’t just a plus one in pregnancy but are supported in their journey to becoming a dad.

Things escalated when Hannah went into labour. James says: “I was thinking ‘no this is not happening’ and felt everything was crushing me. I just wanted to disappear and be anywhere but there. I couldn’t cope and wanted to run away or not be here. It had all been about feigning excitement and saving face, but now there was no escape. It happened – everything I had built up in my head, that I was going to fail, that I wouldn’t be able to cope, the trigger was pulled and what I’d convinced myself was going to happen became our reality.”

James, pictured with baby Ted in hospital, says this as the only photo they have together for the first four months of his life. He says he was incapable of smiling, despite desperately trying. The next photo they have is months later of James feeding Ted solids. 

For that time in between, James was absent. James’ wife and baby moved to his mum’s for support as Hannah was faced with looking after a newborn whilst her husband was going through a mental breakdown. As things spiralled more and more, it was recommended that James had space and time to heal so Hannah and baby Ted moved to Hannah’s parents at what they describe as a terrible and unimaginable time. Hannah phoned every day but there was a three-week period where James cut himself off completely, unable to cope.

James’ relationships were heavily impacted. He says: “I couldn’t relate to anyone. I had failed as a man, a husband, and now a dad. Hannah asked me at one point if I loved Ted, but back then I couldn’t say yes. I couldn’t feel anything. It wasn’t that I blamed him in any way at all. He deserved better than me and he represented everything that was my failure.”

James had intensive therapy and eventually moved home with Hannah and Ted. He had been a currency dealer for over a decade and following a long absence, made it back to work. After James’ career had been a central part of his life, he says a sense of embarrassment at being labelled ‘unfit for work’ was another reason he avoided help sooner.

But now with a clearer perspective, he says that if someone breaks their leg, you see the cast, you see the crutches, there’s no question. This is his mission now, stripping away the stigma that can be attached to mental health and helping to get the conversation going to hopefully prevent other people and other men finding themselves in a similar situation.

James explains becoming a dad the second time around to their son Charlie was a different story. He says: “A moment of utter euphoria and a realisation of what child birth for a father can feel like. I was in a totally different place. Hannah has been amazing throughout and I’m so grateful we are where we are but it’s been quite the journey. My experiences allow me to grasp the enormity of just how brilliant it is to be a dad.”

Alongside his job, James has a new role. He is now a Dads’ Champion for Happy Parents. Happy Baby. Antenatal courses. He says: “I had two wildly different experiences of becoming a dad. And I know I’m a more extreme case of what most men and partners typically go through but there’s a scale and it is a transition. Even if the bulk of men experience diluted versions of some of the feelings I felt, they need to be talked about and as a society, we need to do more. I’m working with Happy Parents. Happy Baby. because this is what they’re all about and by teaming up, I can do my little bit for the thousands of dads who are coming through the course each year.”

Anna Mathur, a psychotherapist and best-selling author of ‘Mind over Mother’, explains that anxiety and depression can manifest differently in men. She says symptoms may be anger, irritability, stress, lack of concentration and motivation, increased focus on work, sleeping issues, suicidal thoughts, abuse of alcohol or drugs, difficulty in enjoying relationships, guilt, shame or low self-esteem.

She adds: “Men go through a huge life shift when they become fathers. Relationship dynamics shift, often financial pressure increases. So much changes for them yet often the eyes are on the mother’s challenges. Midwives and health visitors are all trained to spot symptoms of post-natal anxiety and depression in the mother, yet who looks to the father?

“There is increased focus on paternal mental health on a professional level – more studies being done and resources provided – which is great, however, we need to steer a cultural shift in order for the necessary increased level of openness and emotional vulnerability. Women find it easier to talk because it has become increasingly culturally acceptable to discuss emotions.” 

For James, opening up and talking about everything has played a critical role in his recovery. He says: “It’s often that first conversation, daring yourself to say something, that’s the hardest thing. It will be different for different people - who they’ll feel most comfortable opening up to. It may be a friend, parent, sibling or it may be a GP or a stranger on the end of a support line. Things can really spiral. Reach out for support and know that you’re not alone in this.”

:: If you are impacted by the symptoms outlined in this article, you can reach out for support in many ways including your GP, Samaritans, PANDAS Dads or Mind.